Falling Apart
by B3autifullyBrok3n21
Summary: Paramore fanfiction! Another short story from Josh Farro's point of view. After him and Hayley Williams break things off the tension between the two get's bad threatening to break up the band.


**Falling Apart**

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the lyrics featured in this work of fiction. Lyrics written and performed by: Hayley Williams, Josh Farro. "Hello, Hello" copy right, Fueled by Ramen.

I lopped out of my wet jacket throwing it onto the floor along with my suit cases. The rain falling outside didn't give me the sense of comfort I usually felt after coming home from being on tour for so long. I should have been happy but it's not like the tour had ended on a good note. Instead we canceled six shows over in the U.K. because Hayley and I couldn't even stand to look at each other let alone be crammed in a tour bus together. The house was dark except for the light that my brother Zac had turned on as he ran upstairs to the room in this house that we shared. The other guys in the band weren't really talking to either Hayley or me. I guess you could say we let a lot of people down. Not just the fans but pretty much everyone we were close to. The sad thing is that I remembered in the beginning when Hayley and I first started dating she would always tell me how she didn't want anyone to know about us. She was always so hesitant to start a relationship with me because what if it ruined everything that we had made together as a band. I hated that she was right.

I don't even know how things fell apart the way they had. I still loved her but it felt like a chore. She wasn't the Hayley that I fell in love with four years ago. I guess I wasn't the same kid either, not to put all the blame on her. It just seems like touring for five years with only small breaks here and there…changes you. Suddenly life was only about the band and I think Hayley and I both forgot who we were…who we are.

I remembered the night it all fell apart. I guess I should have seen it coming because we were always at each other, constantly nagging or picking each other apart about something stupid. We had done an interview with an MTV news reporter and all the guy could talk about was how Hayley had been listed number two, as the sexiest front woman of all times. Hayley's modesty kicked in and she went on and on about how she couldn't believe that someone would put her on a "sexiest" type of list. It's not that I thought she was full of herself because Hayley was far from it but I hated how suddenly everything was about her. It seemed like the media completely forgot that there were four other dudes in the band. I had, had enough and I was frustrated, so I let it slip without realizing the consequences.

"We are a team. We're a band. It's not just Hayley! It's not her band. Just because she's the lead singer doesn't mean she's the only one involved."

Well, that comment started world war three when we got back to the bus behind closed doors. Hayley started yelling at me saying that I was jealous and that she had never thought of herself as being a "front woman." She said that the comment I made embarrassed her because now people would think that she thought she was "in charge" of the band.

"I don't even recognize you anymore! The Josh I used to know would never say something like that about me; to deliberately hurt me!" Hayley had yelled.

"It seems like I 'hurt you' a lot lately! This is too hard Hayley! It's not supposed to be like this! I can't do this anymore!" I yelled back.

There had been other people in the front lounge of the bus witnessing our fight. Jeremy had even tried to break it up by standing between us and asking us to "calm down". After I had yelled those last words there was an awkward silence as she just stared at the ground.

"Just runaway Josh, when things get too hard, that's what you do right? Just run away?" She said finally.

I shook my head in defeat. I just couldn't fight anymore. I didn't have the energy. "If that's how you want to look at it fine, but I'm tired Hayley. This just isn't worth it anymore." I remembered how hard I had to fight my own tears. I won and the tears didn't come though they stung the corners of my eyes.

"Fine, whatever you want." She mumbled so low that I almost missed it as she walked away to her bunk.

I thought that after that, things would get better. I thought that we could go on being a band and now that the relationship part of it was gone that we could focus on getting along better. I was wrong. It got worse. If you've ever broken up with someone then you know how awkward it is to run into them afterwards. Well imagine that awkwardness all the time. She was always there and we were always together. Instead of feeling relieved I felt like I was suffocating even more. The tension got worse, so much so we couldn't even look at each other. What made it even worse is that I wanted to be over her and I could tell she wanted to be over me, but how do you do that when you're so close all the time? I wanted to forget her angel face but how when it was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up?

It was harder for her to hide her emotions. She would cry at night sometimes and though I think she tried to muffle her sobs we could still hear them. I would place a pillow over my ears to make it go away so I wouldn't have to feel the guilt. Then there were the anger spells. She would get so angry sometimes for the littlest things. If I started out a song in the wrong key or if my guitar wasn't tuned just right it would throw her off and she would just lose it.

Our manager was actually the one who said that we should take a break. He said that we needed time to clear our heads and start fresh. Hayley and I fought it the hardest because we didn't want to be the ones to let so many people down just because we couldn't keep it together. Our manager said he was worried that if we didn't take a break that it might have been the end of Paramore. We let that sink in and finally agreed. There was still no guarantee that this wouldn't be the end.

So here I was finally home lying on my couch, thinking that not being around her would help things. When I was supposed to be forgetting her all I could do was think about her. Then I remembered something. When we were packing up our stuff on the bus I had found a wadded up piece of notebook paper on the floor. Though I couldn't be sure, but I think it fell out of Hayley's bunk and she hadn't realized it. I only opened it briefly to see my name scrawled in her hand writing at the top. I know it was wrong but instead of placing it back in her bunk, I shoved it into my pocket to read at a later time when I had some privacy. I ran to my suitcase to find the jeans I had been wearing. When I found them, I pulled the crumpled letter from the pocket and returned to the couch where I proceeded to open it. It read:

Josh,

I opened up my life to you. I told you everything I knew. You listened so close when love was just a way out. But you're going def now. You've turned your head around. You'll be sorry to hear I'm doing fine now. Sorry to hear you're without me now. You blew up the world I built for us, and destroyed our secret universe. I threw out the trust I put in you. Thanks for making me feel like I'd been used. Now I'm reminded that I was just blinded…

I don't know if it's the right emotion, but the anger swelled in my chest. This stupid letter, poem, lyrics…whatever it is, made it sound like this was my entire fault. And what was worse was that she would think that I didn't care, that I didn't listen to her that I used her? My conscience knew what I was doing though I hadn't fully grasped the fact that I was running through the rain to my car. I tried to calm my breath as I sped down the road to Hayley's apartment. I couldn't bare another moment of life if she thought that I had turned my back on her. Just because we were broken up didn't mean that I didn't care about her.

I spun my car into a parking spot and glared up at her windows. She was defiantly home, because the lights were on. My fist pounded firmly at her door until she answered. She stood there confused for a moment before saying anything. I think the shock of me being there had to sink in. I looked down at my dark grey t-shirt that was stained with wet droplets from the rain. I didn't know what to say either now that I was here.

She finally spoke, "What are you doing here?"

I looked up and I could feel the glare in my eyes. "I came to give this back to you." I reached into my pocket once more and held out the crumpled paper.

She grabbed it from my hand glancing at briefly. It didn't take her long to realize what it was. "Where did you find this?" She asked

"It was on the floor in the bus." I explained as I pushed past her not waiting for an invitation to come inside. She closed the door behind me as I turned to face her.

"Well, this wasn't meant for you to read. You should have given it back to me or just thrown it away."

"It had my name on it Hayley; of course I was gonna read it."

"Like I said before, it wasn't meant for you to read. Now if all you came by to do is give this back to me, then I think you should leave." She reached for the door and pulled it open slightly, but not before I leaned in front of her slamming it closed with my hand. Our faces were too close as I held it shut.

"I wanna talk about this." My voice was low. I could smell that familiar sweet fruity scent that projected off of her skin. It curdled my stomach at the memories of smelling that scent when I used to hold her.

She finally leaned away and took a couple steps backwards. "As far as I'm concerned Josh, there's nothing to talk about."

"No, we're talking about this right now." I protested, "This letter…" I stepped closer to her once more and pulled it from her hands. "…or poem…whatever it is...this is really what you think of me, of our relationship? After everything that we've been through together, everything that I've sacrificed for you, your honestly gonna sit there and say that I used you and that I never cared about you?"

"Well what the hell was I supposed to think? It didn't seem like you cared when you were talking shit about me in interviews. And you haven't had to sacrifice anything a day in your life!"

I must have really upset her now. I jumped at her curse, it was so unlike her. She continued her rant, "And it didn't seem like you cared when it was so easy for you to just throw us away like we were a piece of garbage. This relationship has only ever been convenient for YOU Josh!"

"What do you mean it was 'convenient' for me? You think it was convenient for me to argue with you all the time?"

"It was convenient to have me there to fuck whenever you wanted. It was convenient to have me there whenever you had a bad day! You always took your mood swings out on me because you knew I was the only person who'd put up with your shit and forgive you in the morning! And then on top of everything you had the audacity to degrade me in front of the entire world. NEVER have I felt so out of place or like I didn't belong."

Her words were starting to hurt. "I've never used you for sex! How could you even think that? How many girls were lined up outside that damn tour bus waiting for an invitation to come inside and 'fuck' me? I could have had anyone of them and I chose you!"

"Oh well thank you so much for picking me! I must be so lucky that Josh Farro gave ME the time of day!" Her voice was thick with sarcasm. "God, you disgust me! And you say I'm full of myself?" She gaffed.

"Stop it Hayley! You know that's not what I meant. And I've never said your full of yourself. It just sucks that every interview, every magazine is all focused on you! We all work just as hard as you do and it's not fair!" I was trying my hardest not to yell but I was sure it was a useless act.

"That's not my fault that people think that type of thing! You make it seem like I flaunt the fact that I'm the lead singer of this band…this is the type of thing I'm talking about Josh; things haven't changed since we first started out as a band. I don't think anymore of myself then I did back then. I don't know why it's so freakin' hard for you to understand that."

The argument came to a pause. I didn't know what to say to that. Maybe it was my pride, but I wasn't going to apologize for the comment I had made to MTV and I think that's what Hayley wanted to hear. She let out a brisk, but shaky sigh and with it came tears. I was surprised at how fast they began to flow down her cheeks. To hear her crying when she tried to hide it at night on the bus was one thing. There I could block it out with a pillow; pretend it wasn't happening, but not here. No, there was nothing I could do here, except watch her fall to pieces. Hayley didn't cry very often, and I could probably count the amount of times I had seen it on one hand over the entire time I'd known her. This was gonna kill me to see her like this…and it was my fault. I could feel my pride beginning to falter.

I don't know if she could sense my eyes on her, but she covered her face with her hands, knelt to the ground and began to sob violently into them.

"This is so messed up! We're messed up Josh, and I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do?" She pled. I could tell she felt defeated.

In a sense, I felt defeated as well. Seeing her like this broken into pieces on the floor made me sick and ashamed of myself. I had to fix this. I couldn't watch her like this anymore. I was hesitant as I went to sit beside her on the floor. I wanted to hug her, but she had been so mad before, I didn't know if that was a good idea or not. Screw it; at this point nothing could make this situation any worse than it already was.

"Come here," My voice came out lighter than before as I pulled her close. God, I hadn't held her like this for months. It felt odd, but also comforting to have her pressed against me like this. I slightly rocked her back and forth as she buried her face in my chest. For a moment her body shuddered with tears and emotion, so I held her tighter. "Shh Hayles, it's ok. We're gonna be ok." Though I wasn't sure if we really were gonna be ok, I would have said anything to calm her down. I wiped the hair away from her face and stared down at her. She looked so childlike in my arms the way I had her cradled and the fact that I was still slightly rocking her.

Time passed and even though her tears had begun to slow for some reason I didn't want to let go of her. Maybe because if I did I knew that everything would go back to the way it was. We must have been sitting on the floor for a while because my leg started to feel the lack of blood flow and the tingles were setting in. I glanced down at her face again and the tears were dry now. She opened her big green eyes, which were now tinged with red and stared up at me. Neither of us wanted to look away. Having her in my arms like this, staring into her beautiful face like this, it was easy to forget everything that had gone on.

I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself, and I let my face move slowly to hers. My lips fell to her mouth and I kissed her softly for a moment. Subsequently I began to move them down her jaw line to the small of her neck just below her ear. That was the spot that always got her going. I felt her hands caress over my chest and around my neck pulling my lips back to hers. She kissed me back with more urgency now. Her fingers pulled through my hair and gently back across my face holding it to hers, almost as if to say, 'never pull away'. I placed one hand on the back of her neck and softly laid her back on the floor, not breaking our kiss. Our legs were entangled together and I could feel her heart pounding fast against mine. I kissed down her neck again moving towards the buttons on the front of her plaid shirt. I reached for the top one and then the second, caressing her hint of cleavage with my lips. I wanted her more than I ever had in this moment. I went for the third button, and she grabbed my hands.

"Josh," She breathed my name. I ignored her and instead began to kiss her neck. "Josh," She squirmed this time trying to move out from under me. What had I done wrong? "Josh stop!" She placed her hand on my chest pushing me off of her. She quickly sat up, scooted away from me, crossed her legs in front of her and placed her head in her hands once more. I stared at her dumbfounded. I thought she had wanted this as much as I had. Or at least it had felt that way.

"I just can't…I mean we can't. This just can't happen. We already know this doesn't work." She shook her head, pity in her eyes.

I'm sure she was right, but the light headedness I felt when I sat up wouldn't allow me to come up with any reasons as to why. I still didn't know what to say. I wasn't going to beg her like a horny little teenager, so what choice did I have now?

"I think you should go." Hayley stood up and I followed.

"Can we still talk about this? I mean maybe we made a mistake." I said. After being with her tonight it felt silly to walk away and leave all this in the dark. I wanted to be with her and moments like this made me believe that there was still a chance. I know I had been the one to break it off in the first place, but the past few months of being without her only made me realize that an argument here and there was nothing compared to the loneliness I felt when I looked at her now.

She shook her head, "No nothing's changed Josh. I love you…but sometimes I think I've just outgrown it you know?"

Her words shocked me. They hurt more than I had ever thought possible. She had outgrown me? I didn't mean to shout, but it just came out that way. "No I don't understand. You can't just outgrow someone!"

She took my hands into hers almost as if to calm me, "Then how come I have?"

It was my eyes that began to fill with tears and I pursed my lips trying anything to hold them back. I wasn't going to let her know how much this had just killed me. I remembered in her letter the line that said, 'you'll be sorry to hear, that I'm doing fine.' And I could tell from the apologetic look that she gave me she was going to be fine.

I was wrong in coming here tonight. This break was exactly what we needed and it had only taken her a couple hours of being home to realize it. I hated that it had taken me until this very moment to see that we just had to be away from each other and give it some time. If she could be ok, then so could I, maybe not at this very moment, but someday. I put my arms around her once more and held her tight but only briefly.

I placed my lips to her ear and whispered, "I'm sorry for everything." I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her for the last time on the lips. I turned for the front door stepped out into the rain, and pulled it shut; leaving what had been my life behind me...


End file.
